Has anyone seen my patience??.....

Should I put up signs on the street corners, saying "lost: Patience, if found please return to owner". It amazes me how stressful life is without this one little virtue can be. Are any virtues really small? After meeting with the therapist last night, I realized even more how much off track I really am. I feel like I have been run over by a bus, emotionally, mentally and physically. And with work, definitely thrown under a bus there. K (the therapist) was really kind, and did not push me for a lot yesterday, which was good as I had nothing to give. After she left I had to feed the kids, bathe them, and wait for the dog to be done at the groomers. Which means I could not put the boys down until I loaded them up in the car, in their pj's and got the dog and drove back.

We got back around 8:30 (they are normally in bed by 7ish) and as I was entering the house the phone was ringing, and it was E. He was in a complete panic. He was unable to reach me for about 30 mins, since I just flew out the door I did not bring my cell phone. I thought of it on the way back, that I had hoped he didn't try to call, as I know he would panic. Which he did. He always goes to the worst case scenario, like someone broke into the house, and killed us all. He was completely freaked out, and said the next call was going to be 911. A little to the extreme, but I understand, sort of. I promised I would be more diligent about taking my cell phone with me.

Work was pretty busy, as it is quite apparent to me that they want all the projects I work on brought to completion before I leave. Although they have no idea I know, only my closest friends know, it seems funny to me that they are trying to work me to the bone to get it all done. I really do not think they have thought letting me go all the way through. The repercussions on the group is going to be huge. I am the only technical person in our group, and currently I am the go to gal for all tech needs in our group. All of that will end as soon as I come out the back end of the bus that I have been thrown under. It cannot fall upon my coworker as she does not have the skill set, she does a completely different job than what I do. We work great as a team, but individually we have different jobs. This group is in for a big eye opener once I am no longer around to call when things don't work. Oh well.... they took away my company cell phone last month, and I refuse to give them my new one. Not on my dime. If you cannot reach me at my home office, oh well. Leave a message.

Well off I go to work a job, I no longer have.... motivation is in short supply these days, for a lot of things. Still looking for my patience, if you do find it .... please be so kind as to return it.... I think I need it desperately.

Tomorrow IS another day..... right??

Have you ever had one of those weekends where it is like the movie Ground Hog's Day, where Bill Murray wakes up everyday and it is the same day? Well that is how this weekend was for me. I am completely wiped out. How can 2 small people have such power over someone who is 3 times their height? At least this week's the new shows started, and tonight the Amazing Race starts which I just love. To me it is the primal competition show. If you show up last... you loose. That simple. No one votes you off, there is no real political strategy behind it. You just have to be smarter and faster than the other teams. I always wondered what E and I would be like on that show. Most likely the couple that is always screaming at each other, because they both think they are smarter than the other. But in my case I am. Okay, maybe not at everything.

And then right after is Desperate Housewives. It has been so long I have forgotten how last seasoned ended, hope they have a refresher, as I haven't had time to study. I made a huge pot of New England Corn Chowda this weekend, and it is still going strong. Was a hit with the 2 little ones, and the dog of course, who cleaned the plates when they wanted more than their stomachs would allow.

Well tomorrow is Monday, and I have my "Parent/child intervention Therapy", and I have a lot to discuss with her. I was complete toast this weekend, and had not so much patience with the boys. It was very hard to remember the parent rules when they are smashing each other with the pumpkin pails I got them for Halloween. Not a lot of labeled praise going on this weekend, or descriptive play for that matter. It was tough, and E is not home until Thursday and he of course will come home and go straight to bed, while I get up and business as usual. Finally the PCI Therapist will get to meet E after all this time. It might help her understand why I am so strung out with the boys. E doesn't do much even when he is home. However, he thinks he does. But I have a couple of meetings I am going to attend at night this week so hopefully I will get a break. I am this years president of my Mothers of Multiples club, and the next meeting is my first in the role.

Well I am going to call it a weekend, I would say day, but it was all one realllyyyyyy lonnnngggg day for me. Kicked. My. Ass.

The Debate.....

I am not a usually a political discussionist....(I know it's not a word, but as a kid I made up words... kinda of like comfort food.... it just is what it is). I digress. E is usually the big political talker in our house. He has taught me a lot over the years. How to really listen to the issues, and ask the right questions. How not to pick a party just because your parents did, or it's the cool thing to do (history making or not), and definitely how not to base your party pick on the fact that the current administration is being run by Alfred E Newman from MAD magazine. So I really paid attention to last nights debate, normally I would not watch a political debate by myself, but since E is on the road, I had to. Even if I did have 2 hours of Greys Anatomy season opener to watch! So I saddled up to the bed, and turn on the debate. My only feeling really about the whole thing was "uncomfortable". It felt like a friend had asked me to go with them to visit their smelly old grandpa in an old folks home. Someone I had never met, but out of respect for our elders you had to listen to every stupid story he told in it's entirety. I wanted to just take an ambien and make it all go away. I could hardly focus on Obama's answers as I was still pissed off that I was forced to listen to that stuff for the past few minutes.... it just annoyed the crap out of me!

I am obviously an Obama supporter, not because of history making or anything, that is just a bonus. But because I am about to loose my job because of the stupid mistakes of this current administration and we have the manchurian candidate (google it) in office, and McCain is the next one. Just do as I say kinda of guys, because they cannot think for themselves. And don't even get me started on Palin. That's like putting me on the freakin ticket! Oh wait I probably know more on foreign issues than she does. Just because Alaska borders Russia, does not give you foreign policy experience. That the fact that she would even try to spin that comment into something, shows you she has nothing to offer. I am truly looking forward to the VP debate next Thursday, and the good thing is E will be home for that one! I think I will make a nice dinner for him, and we can relax and enjoy the entertainment. The slaughter of so called intellect.

I am by no means an expert of political issues, but I just cannot see her running this country, because we all know McCain will not live through is first term. And lipstick or no lipstick, she is as qualified as I am.

Befriend myself, and Accountability

I met with my life coach yesteday morning, and we did not meditate during the session, which is a good thing, since I have hardly done it ever at home alone. I just cannot seem to find the peace and space I need to really relax. With 2 yr old twins, and I being the only adult here, it is a challenge. So we were basically discussing how to get to the place of peace and quiet... besides hiding in my closet, I guess that doesn't count. Her first recommendation is to "befriend myself". Like when you meet someone for the first time and have this spark of a connection, and you think "hey!, I like her and want to get to know her more". Thinking long and hard on how to actually do that. I'll keep ya posted!

The second thing we discussed was accountability. This is a word I am not very comfortable with, as most of my life I have not had to be accountable to anyone but myself. Through foster care and adoption into a family whether the mother was pretty much emotionally absent, and father was a workaholic. So until I was married, for the second time, the thought of being accountable to anyone was pretty foreign to me. I did what I wanted, when I wanted and with who I wanted with no real repercussions. This is not always a good thing. I think you end up making some pretty poor choices as a young adult without the guidance of someone with a little wisdom. I truly thought I knew everything, and didn't need any help. Not that I had any resources to get that help from. My father passed away when I was 23, and that was pretty much it for the "family nucleus". He had some great words of wisdom when he did dole it out, and I look back now and still call upon what little wisdom he did pass down.

One of the biggest problems I do have with E, is accountability. I still do a lot of things as if it were just me. Not all is bad, but there have been a couple of decision that I probably should have talked to E about first, but didn't. I acknowledged those issues with him, and took responsibility for them, it took a while for him to get that out of me, as I was completely defensive, when I truly had no leg(s) to stand on. So now I am being taught to be accountable, first with my life coach. I agreed to email her every morning when I get up, as my goal is to get up as early as I can and get an hour or so in before the boys wake up. This will give me the quiet I need to attempt to mediate. Or so we think, worth a shot.

Soooooo... let this portion of learning begin.... befriend myself and be accountable....

Youngest Kids in the Room

I took the boys to another twins birthday party, and the mom is in my MOM's club. My boys were the youngest children there, and it was quite confusing keeping track of them. They had a lot of activities for the kids, and most of them were not age appropriate for the boys. Being there alone with the 2 was also challenging. I don't know why I always think I can do these things by myself, but I do try. By the time we got home, it was dinner time and I had no clue what to make for dinner. I remember when I used to complain about the baby food they ate, ahhhh to have those days again. So I decided to make a frittata for dinner, it had potatoes, onions, cheese and broccoli in it. I thought it was great... the boys.... not so much. They managed to pick through the thing and bypass anything that was remotely healthy for them. I guess they think their bodies might reject it or something. So dinner last night was pretty much a bust, and they both woke up this morning wanting to eat. "eat eat" is how they let me know they are hungry. And that is all I heard on the way to daycare today. Thank god they had breakfast waiting on them.

Today was one of those very unproductive days at work, I was waiting for information from everyone else, and no matter how many times I "tickled" them for it, nothing came through. And since my time is limited there, I think I am going to start taking the sick days that I have earned. I have about 10 days left, and I won't get paid for them when I leave so I am going to start taking them. I do have 19 days of vacation they will have to pay me for.

I haven't heard from E today, he is driving his way to NY right now from Chicago. The fact I have not heard from him is a good thing. It means he is not over analyzing things. He does that a lot, which makes me nuts!

The boys had a decent dinner tonight, mac and cheese, not the boxed kind, but the real kind. We had our parent/child therapy today, and I am finding it very challenging to follow the rules, as they have put them out there for me. I usually say "good job" for everything, and was told I need to give more labeled praise. Now that I am aware of it, I say good job, like I am saying hello... I say it all the time! No wonder they could care less when I say it. Learning, learning, learning!

Where to Begin....?

Well this is my feeble attempt at putting it all down, for me and the rest of the world to see. I have read enough blogs, so I thought maybe it just might help me navigate through the days.

I am currently a full time working (telecommuter) of 2 yr old twin boys. Their birthday was last month, and it kind of came and went. Nothing really special was done as their dad, my husband, is an over the road trucker. He just started this career a few months ago, before that he worked in retail for almost 25 yrs. I think we are both struggling with this new lifestyle. He is gone for up to 3 wks at a time and then only home for a few days. I think I average it out to be 4-6 days a month. The rest is on me. I feel really bad that nothing was done for their day. We have no family here, as we are both from other areas. He the upper west coast, me the upper east coast. Could we be any further apart...

The boys just started daycare a couple of weeks ago, we had in home care up until then. We have been on the waiting list for a year and half, so when they called, we certainly could not say no.

And I just found out this week, that I am losing my job. A job I have had for close to 10 yrs now, and have been working from home for most of that time. I make excellent money for someone who has never been to college, pretty much self taught. It really sucks as I am the major breadwinner right now, and without my salary times are sure to be rough. I still have a few months, the schedule exit dates are 12/12-12/26... Merry Flippin Christmas to me!

So with all that going on, and I am trying to take care of this house and our huge yard, and the dog and 2 kids, and myself.... damn I am tired just reading it. I have had to have a little intervention therapy of sorts. By the time the weekend comes, I am just so strung out that all I do is tell the boys no..no..no... There is entirely too much yelling coming out of me. Mind you I was not raised by yellers, the complete opposite, but that is a post for another day. So I stepped up as the responsible parent I am, and asked for some Parent/Child therapy so that I can actually learn how to be a good communicative parent. Something I was never taught.

As well as that, I decided to start seeing a Life Coach, on the advice of my head dr. That is always comforting when your shrink refers you to someone. But we have met a few times and I think it will be a good adventure for me. We are.. ok I am... struggling with the actions she has given me. We are working on meditation... you know... alone in your head with your own thoughts.... probably not the best thing for me. So I am finding it extremely challenging, and I know it takes time, but I am probably the most impatient person of all time. One reason I was thrilled to have twins, didn't want to have to wait for another one. Ok not like I really had a choice, being of "advanced maternal age" and all...

Well I guess that is best intro I can do for now, I am sure lots of things will come out over time. No need to post them all here at once.. I would bore you to tears!